I'll Be Brutal

It's A
Man's Life

Five questions about your evenings, your excuses, your friendships, and the gap between who you are and who you keep saying you'll become. We read your answers. Then we tell you what's actually going on.

£1.99
If you think that's harsh, wait for the results.

Results emailed within 15 mins • For entertainment purposes

Before we start

How hard do you want this to hit?

There's no "gentle" option. We don't do gentle. But there are degrees of destruction.

Brutal

Direct. Sharp. Funny. Your honest mate after two pints.

Savage

Finds the thing you're most insecure about. Turns the knife. Smiles.

Unhinged

Scorched earth. You will screenshot this. You may not recover.

Pick one. Or are you scared already?

Question 1 of 5

Describe your average weekday evening from the moment you finish work.

Don't summarise. Walk us through it. What do you eat. What do you watch. Who do you talk to. What time do you go to bed. The more detail you give us, the more accurately we can judge you.

Empty. Just like your evenings, apparently.

Question 2 of 5

What's something you keep telling yourself you'll start but haven't? Why not?

The gym. The side project. The conversation you've been putting off. Whatever it is, say it. Then tell us the excuse — the real one, not the version you tell other people.

Leaving this blank is basically answering the question.

Question 3 of 5

How would your closest mate honestly describe you right now?

Not five years ago. Right now. Not how YOU'D describe yourself — how THEY would. After a few drinks. When you're not in the room. Be as specific as you can.

You know what they'd say. Just write it.

Question 4 of 5

What's the last thing you did that actually made you proud of yourself?

Not "got through the week." Something that genuinely made you think "yeah, that was good." Tell us what it was and how long ago it was. If you're struggling to think of something, that is the answer.

Even if it hurts to admit how long ago it was.

Question 5 of 5

What are you pretending is fine that isn't?

This is the one. The thing you haven't said out loud. The thing you've been carrying. Your job. Your relationship. Your health. Your direction. Whatever it is — this is between you and us. Don't waste it.

This is literally what you're paying for. Write it.

Last thing

Where do we send the damage?

Your results land in your inbox within 15 minutes. Make sure you spell it right — we're not chasing you down to insult you.

We need an email. We can't roast you telepathically. Yet.

£1.99 • Results within 15 minutes • No refunds on the truth • For entertainment purposes